I was still squirming on my belly when I heard the rest of the class return from lunch, freezing at the sound, sure they were all staring at me, lying there by Ms. Shelly's desk. Even if they didn't know what I'd done, just the fact that I'd been put down for a nap before them was embarrassing, giving them yet another advantage over me. I wore diapers, I ate baby food (and not even on my own), I had to start my nap early... I'm sure they all thought I belonged in one of the younger classes. And, lying there in a full diaper, I couldn't blame them.
I listened to them bustling about for a little bit, going to the potty again and getting ready for their own nap, before the light was finally turned off. I didn't expect it to make that much of a difference in whether I was able to get to sleep or not, but the darkness was still somewhat comforting, as another way to disguise what I'd done in my pants.
I knew I didn't really need a nap, but, besides letting me forget my predicament for a little bit, it would also help me pass a little time, rather than just staring at the wall for however long naptime lasted. I wasn't used to sleeping on my stomach at all, however, which only made things more difficult, and whenever I started to roll over, the movement made my loaded diaper squish and squelch beneath me, bringing a blush to my cheeks and making me go back to my tummy quickly, spreading my legs out behind me.
I never quite got all the way to sleep, but I did manage to drift in and out some, eyes drooping closed for a few minutes at a time before opening again. After what felt like hours, I heard Ms. Shelly and Ms. Marian starting to wake the kids, Ms. Shelly ending with me, though instead of telling me it was time to get up, she pressed down on my back, pinning me to my mat while Ms. Marian switched on the lights.
"All right, class," Ms. Shelly said, getting up, leaving me lying at her feet, now too scared to stand up, with everyone staring in my direction, "Ms. Marian is going to take you out to play a little early today. Little Holly is still sleepy, so we're going to let her nap for just a little longer, okay?"
My heart began to thump at this - was she just giving us some privacy so she could change me? That seemed unlikely. There had to be something else up, and I didn't want to find out what it was, but what could I do? I listened as the kids piled up their mats and lined up. I tried once to get up and join them, though playing outside in a messy diaper was hardly my idea of a good time, but she pushed me down again, this time with her foot.
"Aww, I know you wanted to play with the other kids," she said, once they were all gone, "but we're going to have some fun on our own." She pushed the blanket aside and lifted me to my sock-clad feet, stripping me of my jumper again, leaving my drooping diaper on full display. "What a good girl you are," she cooed, reaching down and patting the diaper, "making a big, ol' poopy diaper just for me. Oh, don't pout. Come here."
She sat down on her chair, spreading her legs slightly, then reaching out and dragging me a little closer. "Come here," she repeated, patting her leg. I paled a bit, shaking my head, which earned me a threat of, "Do you want me to take you to the nursery? I bet you'd fit in quite well there. Better than here. Is that what you want?"
"No," I squeaked. She patted her leg again, letting me know that was my choice. I sighed and toddled over to her, gingerly lowering myself onto her leg, perching on the edge, wrinkling my nose. She grabbed me and turned me around so I was straddling her leg, forcing my bottom further down into the mess, making it squish between my legs and up the front, coating me in the filth quite thoroughly, or so it felt.
She began to bounce me, making it all the worse. "What a good little baby you are, Laura," she told me. "I bet you're wetting yourself more even now. I'd ask you, but you don't even know, do you? Just like a real little baby. I'm surprised you were able to keep from messing yourself for so long. But guess what, Laura? That's not going to happen again. You know those pills you've been taking, and will keep taking? Those are fiber supplements, sweetie, to make sure you have plenty in your tummy to fill your pants with, and that it's nice and soft so it's harder for you to hold in. You've been getting it in your drinks, too, so I'm sure it's already starting to work in there." She patted my stomach, pulling me a little closer to her, continuing to move her leg up and down beneath me as I squirmed and moaned.
I would have liked to be able to think that she was bluffing, making it up, that my life hadn't fallen under other peoples' control in yet another way, but I couldn't. I wasn't sure what else the pills could have been. And even knowing what they were, it hardly mattered. Ms. Shelly was right. I was going to keep taking them, if that's what she and the nanny decided was best for me. I didn't want to, but my wants weren't part of the picture anymore. I did what I was supposed to do, what I was told, because I wanted them to think I was a good girl so I wouldn't get punished. Whether I liked it or not didn't matter - my nanny knew what was best, so she called the shots. And she put me in Ms. Shelly's care, so what she said went as well. I was completely under their power.
As I mulled over that realization, I found my thumb making its way into my mouth, rooting itself there. Ms. Shelly seemed quite pleased with that, and while that alone should have made me stop, any time I removed it, I somehow discovered it back there whenever I got distracted. She slowed her bouncing, then stopped it, telling me again what a good little girl I was before setting me on the floor, taking my free hand, and walking me into the bathroom for a change, and to get me re-dressed. And for another round of pills. It was a little harder to make myself take them, knowing what they were, but all it took was a stern glance in my direction to get me moving.
The fight, what little of it had survived even that long, was gone. I sat and listened and participated in her class, letting her check me and change me when she saw fit, sucking my thumb more often than I'd care to admit. This was the role I'd been given, clearly, and there seemed to be no escaping it, so I embraced it instead.
When my nanny came to pick me up, she seemed a bit surprised to find me with my thumb still firmly, and wetly, stuck between my lips, but I don't think she minded. She was less pleasant about the story Ms. Shelly had fed her about how I'd refused to use the toilet, earning me another lecture on how lazy I was acting and another early bedtime - I was just glad Ms. Shelly seemed to have decided against getting me in trouble for calling her a bitch, for which I was grateful.
The next morning was similar to the one before, though without the surprise of an overly-wet diaper. The diaper was still there, of course, and the catheter made sure it was good and soaked, but after a day of being unable to control myself, nothing about it was shocking. I gagged my way through another breakfast, then let myself be taken back upstairs to be gotten ready for yet another day at nursery school.
That morning, after powdering and oiling my smooth crotch, the nanny flipped me over onto my stomach. I hadn't been expecting it, but I wasn't about to ask what was going on. Other than saying good morning and answering her questions, I hadn't said anything, and everything seemed to be going much smoother than the last couple days, probably for just that reason. I could hear something going on behind me, something that didn't sound too encouraging, though I chalked that up to paranoia. Before I could get up the courage to see for sure, my nanny was spreading my legs apart gently. Then she began to shove a heavily greased something up my bottom.
I gave a little cry of surprise and began to squirm, shocked and unhappy about what I was feeling, but she just kept pushing it in until she was satisfied, before turning me back over and taping me into my diaper. My face was still flushed when I walked into Ms. Shelly's class. I didn't have the guts to ask the nanny about it, but I was sure Ms. Shelly's little story had earned me this punishment, that I had been given a butt plug to ensure I didn't do anything like that again. Ms. Shelly might even have suggested it - I probably would have, after having to change one poopy diaper.
Strangely enough, as humiliating and invasive as it was, it gave me a little confidence. It wouldn't be comfortable, sure - it already wasn't, and I was positive that would only get worse as my need to move my bowels increased - but it would make sure I didn't have a messy diaper in front of the rest of the class. I would have preferred just getting to use the toilet, of course, but I wasn't going to complain, at least not yet. In fact, pathetic as it was, I almost considered thanking my nanny for it when she came to pick me up. After all, filling my pants in front of just Ms. Shelly was bad enough. Doing it in front of a bunch of toddlers would be absolutely mortifying. It was bad enough I was constantly peeing myself around them. If I did that, too, I had serious doubts about whether I would be able to go back to my job once this all cleared up.
It would be bad enough anyway, since I'd just vanished, as far as anyone knew, and I couldn't tell them the truth about what happened. But even if they didn't know, I would, and I had no doubt the memory would haunt me for a long time. If I were to take that last little step, however, and have a messy accident in the middle of class, well, I just wasn't sure if I could take myself seriously in any position of authority again, knowing I'd done that as a theoretically fully functioning adult. And if I didn't believe in myself, why would anyone who worked for me? So, as much as it made me squirm when I sat, and waddle a little more when I walked, and as unfamiliar its constant presence was, I was slightly grateful for it.
It also helped that Carla had an accident that morning. She was waiting in line to go to the bathroom, while I sat boredly at my table, and I saw her burst into tears. A few seconds later, I saw a pair of wet spots start to run down the insides of her pants. While I knew it wasn't very nice of me, I couldn't help but smile as I saw that. Sure, I was in diapers, but I wasn't the only baby in the class now - and at least I didn't make puddles when I had my accidents.
So, I was feeling pretty good that morning, pleased with myself. I knew I was never going to be someone the kids looked up to, other than physically, and I didn't think they'd forget that I was the one in diapers, but at least having Carla put back into Pull-Ups for the day had to help my social standing some. She didn't seem happy that I'd been assigned to sit at her table, either, probably thinking that Ms. Shelly was putting the babies together, and not liking to be classified as that any more than me.
We were given an assignment to color pictures of leaves so they matched colors of leaves we'd seen. My tummy was starting to feel pretty full by then, but I knew there wasn't much I could do about it, so I tried to ignore it. Then, as I leaned forward to get a crayon from across the table, I smelled it.
I knew it was wrong of me, and certainly not mature, but I was still sure Carla had locked me out of the bathroom my first day there, and this was probably the closest I'd be able to come to getting back at her. I sniffed the air dramatically, sitting up so I'd be more visible to Ms. Shelly, and, yes, the other kids. When none of them noticed, or at least bothered to comment, I spoke up with a, "Ms. Shelly, I..."
"What did we talk about, Holly?" Ms. Shelly asked, shutting me down temporarily as I blushed and raised my hand. "Very good. What is it, Holly?"
"Ms. Shelly," I said with a grin, "I'm pretty sure one of these babies had an accident." I gave Carla a pointed look as I said 'babies', again knowing I might be going a bit far, especially as I saw the girl squirm, but not caring. For once, I wasn't going to be the infant of the class. She might even land herself back in diapers for this! Heck, if it wasn't for her, I might not have gotten this catheter put in me. I might be back in Pull-Ups myself by now! "I can't concentrate on my picture with the smell," I added, giving the knife one final twist. It was sad that my nemesis, such as she was, was a toddler, or that it had taken something like this for me to get back at her, but I didn't know when, or if, I'd have another chance to show her not to mess with me, so I was going to take it.
As Ms. Shelly got up from her desk, along with Ms. Marian, and started making their rounds of the room, slowly winding their way around the tables, I smiled to myself, satisfied that my revenge was in motion. I sank back down in my seat, feeling smug...
Then my cheeks began to flush and my nose wrinkled as my bottom was greeted by a mushy squish. It was impossible, wasn't it? It couldn't be what I thought it was! Embarrassed and confused, my thumb made its way back to my mouth as I fidgeted, confirming that, yes, I had somehow filled my pants, not only despite the butt plug, but without noticing. I looked back up at the teachers, circling closer and closer, as I sank down in my seat, praying that, against all odds, one of the other kids was in the same predicament as me, that they'd find them first and leave me alone a little longer. I wouldn't want to stay in this diaper for too long, but at least long enough that they wouldn't know I'd complained about myself.
But they never stopped, never bent down to so much as ask one of the other kids if they'd had an accident, and as they got closer, I gulped, squirming to try to hide and find a comfortable position at the same time. My palms began to sweat at Ms. Shelly drew closer and closer to my table, making it hard to keep ahold of my crayons as I stared intently down at my picture, only daring to watch her from the corner of my eye now that she was almost on me. And then, by some miracle, she passed me up. I let out a sigh of relief, hoping she was just going to write this off as me being overly dramatic or something.
"Oh, Holly," she said, turning back around to face me with a knowing grin. I paled, turning toward her, thumb in mouth. "Did you have an accident?"
I briefly considered saying no, but what good would it really do me? She probably wouldn't believe me, and would check me, turning me around to face the class as I stared down at my feet, feeling her tug out the back of my diaper and discover my lie, which she would likely then report to my nanny. Reluctantly, I nodded, standing up and taking her hand as she led me through the class, knowing they all knew what I had done, and that it was my fault. I'd done this to myself.
Except that, as I discovered after my second surprise messy diaper of the day (which I wisely stayed quiet about), wasn't entirely true. I didn't know what was going on - I could quite clearly feel that the plug was still in, just as I could feel the load in my pants that I was sure couldn't be there. I wasn't sure if I was going crazy, or having a dream, or what.
For her part, Ms. Shelly didn't seem at all surprised as she praised me for making her another present, pressing my butt plug a little further inside as she cleaned me up. That was when I began to put two and two together. The nanny had been upset with me for wetting myself, supposedly on purpose, so she'd given me a catheter. She'd been upset that I pooped my pants, again, supposedly on purpose, and now I was doing that without control, either. I was sure she was behind it, though I wasn't able to confirm that until she removed it that night and I saw that it was hollow.
The fact that it was helped along artificially did little to make me feel better about having been rendered incontinent. I now not only wore diapers, I needed them, fully and completely. I spent my days at nursery school, and most nights I was in bed before 6 pm. I was bathed, fed, dressed... I was, for all intents and purposes, a toddler.
There was nothing I could do about it but accept it, try to be the best little girl I could. I stayed quiet at nursery school, unless I was called on, I played as nicely as I could with the other kids, though Carla wasn't very happy with me for calling her a baby and trying to blame my accident on her, I did everything I could to make sure Ms. Shelly had only good things to tell my nanny when she came to pick me up.
And it worked. "You've really turned your behavior around this week," my nanny told me that Friday morning, as she got me up. "I'm very proud of you, Holly. Some people are just suited for different ages, and this one seems to be yours." I smiled at the praise, though I hated the idea of what she was actually saying. "So, I have a nice surprise for you after school today."
I could barely concentrate all that day. I doubted the surprise would be anything great, such as getting my old life back, but, at that point, it hardly mattered - Holly's parents should be coming home in the next few days, judging from what my nanny had told Holly about how long I'd be away from rehearsal, and once they did, I was free anyway - I was just hoping for a small victory. Maybe a permanent removal of the catheter, or a reprieve from the butt plug. Even a later bedtime would have been nice.
I knew right away none of those would be it. The car was heading the complete opposite direction from Holly's house. I thought that maybe we were going out to eat instead, or perhaps to a movie. I hadn't had a chance to do the latter for a while, so it might be nice, even if I'd probably be forced into picking a kid's movie. Going out to eat would be a good change of pace, too, saving me from the oatmeal and baby food I'd been stuck with for so much of the past week.
But that wasn't it, either. My heart began to pound as she continued to drive and things began to look more and more familiar to me as they whizzed by outside my window. I hoped I was wrong, that there was something else beyond there, some other surprise, anything but where I knew, with a sinking feeling in my gut, she was taking me. I began to suck harder on my thumb, closing my eyes, as if that would make this all go away.
I told myself it felt like a much longer ride than it should before I felt her slow down, like she was entering a parking lot. "Oh, this is a good spot!" she exclaimed. I listened to her turn the car off, then chuckle. "What are you doing, silly? Are you that sleepy? You can go to bed once we get home, but I think you'll want to check this out first. Come on, open your eyes."
Reluctantly, I did as I was told. And there, right in front of me, entrance decked out with a huge banner declaring its grand opening tonight, was my mall.