If I'd thought sitting through class the day before was mind numbing and humiliating, it was only because I hadn't known how much worse it would be with an ever-growing full feeling in my guts that I was growing increasingly certain would prove too much for me before the day was over, and a diaper that was growing ever-wetter without my consent. The combination made it all but impossible to pay attention, while, at the same time, making me feel so much like I belonged there that, other than when Ms. Shelly called me "Laura" during my diaper changes - each one accompanied by more pills, and more water to ensure I'd need another change soon enough - the thought of that life was relegated entirely to the back of my mind, like it was part of a game of make-believe I'd been playing.
My life now was that of Holly, the big girl who was nonetheless the baby of her class at nursery school, the last in diapers, watched and lorded over by a pack of toddlers who were all beyond daytime diapers, while I was nowhere near ready to make that leap. I was sure they were watching me constantly, eyes on my padded, often droopy, bottom, looking for any sign of a leak so they could report it to Ms. Shelly and get a gold star for being so helpful.
I couldn't help but wonder how the real Holly would react to this situation. While I knew I didn't deserve this, and normally wouldn't wish it on anyone else either, as the day wore on, I began to feel more and more certain that if anyone deserved it, it was her. After all, this was all meant for her. But if the nanny really had started her work on the real Holly, would she still have wound up here? I tried to tell myself that of course she would, that this was probably the nanny's plan all along, but even I had a hard time believing that. Put in my - or, rather, her own - place, would she have made the same choices as me? Since she couldn't really deny that it was her, at least not truthfully, probably not. A lot of my problems had stemmed from that, and from her... If she'd just accepted the treatment, she might still be in high school, perhaps dressed more childishly than she'd prefer, but otherwise unharmed. Since she still was one, she probably knew enough about teenage girls to have known to avoid Molly and her gang. And without my nervous bladder, she probably wouldn't have gotten herself diapered by the school nurse. She'd be a little embarrassed, yes, but probably faring far better than I was.
"Holly!" I jumped at the sound of the name I'd been so deep in thought about, looking up at Ms. Shelly. "Do you know the answer, Holly?"
"Umm..." I fidgeted nervously in my seat, unsure of what the question even was.
"You have to pay attention," she berated me. "Were you distracted by something?" I shook my head, but that wasn't enough for her. "Stand up," she ordered, pulling me to her when I did and lifting the skirt of my jumper before I could try to stop her, slipping two fingers past the leg elastic of my diaper, then spinning me around so I could face the rest of the class, red-faced, as she tugged out the back of it, staring in for a moment before letting it snap back into place and patting it. "At least you haven't had too much of an accident," she praised me, as if that was a major accomplishment. "But you need to listen to me, okay? Or I'll have to put you in time out again."
Cheeks still burning, I nodded, then mumbled, "Yes, Ms. Shelly," before starting to sink back down into my chair.
Ms. Shelly grabbed my arm, keeping me standing, as she announced, "All right, class, it's time for lunch. Line up with Ms. Marian and I'll be along with Holly here in just a few minutes." I was understandably curious as to why I'd been held back, since I wasn't all that wet, but my stomach didn't feel like it was in any shape for me to be putting more stuff into it just yet, so I didn't mind too much. I wasn't terribly happy to hear, "Let's go get you some more pills," as an explanation once the other kids were gone, however.
I wanted to complain that I'd just had some at my last change, but in the interest of appearing to be a good little girl, I kept my mouth shut while she guided me back to the bathroom and started getting out more of the pills, upping the dose to six this time. As I took the first, she took the opportunity to check the back of my diaper again.
"I have to say, I'm impressed," she told me, refilling my cup, "you still haven't pooped yourself. I know it must be getting hard, huh? I bet that little tummy of yours is getting pretty full, isn't it?" She reached out and patted my stomach, making it much harder for me to continue to ignore her, as I squirmed at the touch. "I'll tell you what... You use your diaper right now, and I'll go ahead and change you right away. Nobody else will need to know, except your nanny, of course. Come on, Laura, it's the most privacy you're going to get."
I looked up at her, confused and conflicted. I knew better than to trust her, of course - when she said she was going to tell the nanny, I was sure she'd be more than willing to mention that I'd been in the bathroom at the time, and didn't even ask to use the toilet - but if nothing else, this, or immediately before or after one of my changes, was my best shot at keeping it between us. Unless she was bluffing. I took another pill as I pondered, searching her face for an indication of how truthful she was being, but it was hard to read past her smirk. Finally, I asked, "Right away?" quietly.
"Right away," she confirmed. "You won't even have to walk over to the changing table."
It wasn't ideal, not by any means, but if it was going to happen, I might as well make it as easy on myself as possible. No worries about when, during the rest of the school day, the fullness in my belly would become too much, whether I'd be able to mask what I was doing, if Ms. Shelly would call me out on it after I toddled up to her, load in my diaper, probably on the edge of tears at the humiliation of it all. And besides the low fixtures and the changing table - which I was turned away from anyway - the bathroom was far less childish than the classroom. Not that I could maintain much dignity when I was filling my pants, but that might be enough to save a sliver or so.
As I took my final pill, I debated waiting it out, just in case I really could last until my nanny picked me up, but a rumble in my stomach, even more painful than the ones I'd been having most of the morning, reminded me how little chance there was of that. I sighed, setting the cup on the sink, and, steeling my nerves, told her, "Okay." After an anxious swallow and moment of silence, I even managed to ask, "Could you wait outside?"
That got about the response I expected - "Oh, definitely not" - but it had been worth a shot. I tried, "Can I sit on the toilet?" as a back-up.
She shook her head. "You're going to do it standing there, like any other little baby. You can squat if you want." As if to emphasize that it was off-limits, she sat down on the closed toilet lid herself, folding her arms while she watched.
I bit my bottom lip, staring at her. I felt like I was about to give a performance for her, and my anxiety seemed to have, temporarily at least, soothed the savage beast in the pit of my stomach. Actually using the bathroom in my pants probably contributed to that a lot - it might even have been one of the main reasons it hadn't already happened - but doing it not just around other people, but as they were watching me specifically, made it seem all but impossible. Which put me in the somehow even more humiliating position of having to choose between really working at it to get it over with, or waiting and running the risk of an accident around the kids.
If I could have just sat on the toilet, that would have been one thing. I could have closed my eyes, did my best to pretend I wasn't wearing a diaper, that I wasn't in the bathroom at a nursery school, that it was just a perfectly normal bathroom break. But Ms. Shelly wasn't budging, so instead, I found myself taking her suggestion and squatting. I had to close my eyes, unable to take seeing her watch me as I started to bear down, struggling to do something utterly unthinkable, my face turning red once more, this time from the effort as much as the embarrassment.
I was almost there when I heard the click of her camera phone, making my eyes shoot open and killing any momentum I'd built up. "I just thought your nanny should see how eager you were," Ms. Shelly said. "You just couldn't wait to make a big old surprise for me, now could you?"
"Nooo," I whimpered helplessly.
"Now hurry up," she ordered. "We can't stay in here all day. We have to get you your lunch!"
"I can't," I shook my head. "Why can't you just leave me alone?!"
"Oh, I think you can," she said, leaning forward and grabbing me, dragging me up and onto the toilet. I tried to squirm free, afraid I was in for a spanking or something, only for her to pinch me between her legs, crossing them in front of mine as her hand went to my stomach, starting to rub it in a circular motion, hand pressing harder and harder with every revolution. "I have faith that if there's one thing you can accomplish, it's this. Come on, Laura. You wouldn't want to disappoint me, would you? I'll tell you what... You do it, and I won't send your nanny that picture. I'll even tell her it was an accident, that you were waiting your line for the potty and you just couldn't make it. That would be a little better, wouldn't it?"
I nodded, sweating as I felt the massage starting to get things moving again. This whole exercise was proving to be quite draining, physically and emotionally. I hated to admit it, but I was almost looking forward to naptime. I closed my eyes again, trying to pretend I was alone, though the feel of her body all around me made that difficult, and tried once more to end this ordeal, face turning red again as I started to push...
"Time's up!" she declared, suddenly stopping the belly rub and unlocking her legs, pushing me up onto my own shaky ones. I gasped, panting slightly, disoriented, body right on the verge of taking advantage of my weakened state. "I sure hope you aren't going," she teased, grinning maliciously down at me. "I'm not changing you until after lunch now, no matter what happens." I squeaked, pressing my arms between my legs, up against the damp padding of my diaper, and squeezed my legs together around them, fighting the start the avalanche I'd just worked so hard to start.
"You... You..." I gasped, trying to catch my breath. I wanted to shoot off a stream of obscenities at her, but I remembered her earlier warning just in time and kept my mouth shut, even though it was quite a struggle.
"I know," she said breezily, grabbing my diaper bag and slinging it over her shoulder. "Now come on, it's lunch time." She held her hand out insistently, but I didn't dare take it, or move any muscle in my body at all. They all seemed devoted to one goal, and I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of not reaching it. Then she started to count. "One..."
I knew it was a trick, the sort of thing mothers did to keep their kids in line because they didn't realize it was mostly meaningless. Except, with her, was it really such an empty threat? I didn't know what she'd dare to do, and she clearly had no problem with the idea of torturing me for no apparent reason.
Internally, I began to beg my body for mercy, praying for it to help me out for once. It wouldn't be much, but any little victory over Ms. Shelly would really help me out.
"Two and a half..."
Desperately, expecting the worst, I broke free of my pose and reached out for her hand. Miraculously, nothing came out into my diaper, nor did it as she washed my hands, and then hers, in the sink, or as she started to lead me through the school. I could tell she was a little disappointed, and that brightened my day a tad, but I knew it couldn't last long. If I'd been inches from an accident before, it was down to centimeters now, and with every step I was bringing myself closer and closer to the point of no return.